Once

Every once and a while I disappear and reappear as something I don't recognize in the mirror. Every once and a while, I return to myself.

Ever since I was old enough to understand that pain was mental, something clicked and I haven't been able to cry since. I was probably about 10.

I've never prided myself on not being able to cry, nor was I on the grounds of being humble about it. It simply was what it was, and nothing more. That is until it made me distraught that I couldn't. You see, in my life, I don't have much of an extended family. I don't have grandparents, thus the concept is simply foreign to me by experience. I barely have relatives I see or can relate to due to lingual boundaries and my lack of tongue to speak it or lack of care to. As for cousins, in most cases, lack of mature parents. So when my next door neighbor, an old man, (whom I consider more of a grandfather than any of my "actual" grandparents), had passed away, it pained me ever so that I could not cry. A man who never forgot a birthday, or a season for any of my siblings including myself. A good man who took interest in my musicianship when I was barely starting out, who let us play hockey with plastic sticks, pucks and roller blades in our combined driveways when I was but a child. A man who was always friendly, and cared more than most people I have, or had ever come to know in my life. I remember the night I last saw him. I was walking home by the school when the ambulance and firetruck passed by. When they made the turn onto my street I already knew. It wasn't the first time they had to trek down our way. I was already running by the time the second vehicle made it's pass.  I was there when they took him to the hospital, at 15, standing in the front of my house, except, this time he didn't come home. His wife followed him shortly after his departure. Within the year, she was on her way to him. I couldn't cry then, but I feel it in my eyes, and I feel it in my heart, and right now I'm happy, because for me, it's enough.

Hear the sirens call me home...

Recently I moved out. None too many probably know this, and especially those of DA. It's come to my attention t however that I only understand things better when I can find solitude. Though it's only been two weeks, it already feels like it's been months, simply because of the way time changes depending on where you are, what you're doing, and how time ignores how much of it you actually have. Don't believe me, just remember how time flies when you're distracted. On that note, the world we live in is a distraction, a distraction we are all immersed in. Sometimes it takes the awareness to step back to see things for what they are. Sometimes you have to put your foot down to brake and stop. Sometimes the world does it for you. Maybe it was that fact that I'm here that has lead to my recent realization of the relativity of certain things in life

To clarify, I'm taking care of my fiances grandfather. My circumstances of living here are that my non biological, non legal, brother Thorios and I take care of gramps (for lack of a better alias name) in exchange for living expenses being paid for on a month to month basis. Taking care of  Gramps, has already been one the better things in life I already know I'm going to miss. Thorios and I believe more than anyone right now, that he'll be around for a while. He's a resilient old man, and for what it's worth, I already miss him. The best part is, I didn't come here to write anything I wrote, I came to reflect on the song that made me cry today, which did so for an entirely unrelated reason.  I've never been ashamed or bashful of my emotions, but it's not often I come across them, let alone display them, hahhahah, unless I'm singing. The truth is, every time I hear this song, I think of the women that makes me relate to this song as he sings it, word for word.

I tend to live in the crossfade, and as such I don't expect to have anyone reply or notice this journal, even if DA is retarded and you can now find it from google. But for anyone who does pass by, if you by some chance read something here that makes you reflect on your own life, or on things relating to it, that's good enough for me.

Once Lyrics

Part of me
Has Died
And won't return
And part of me
Wants to hide
The part that's burned
Once, once
Knew how to talk to you
Once, once
But not anymore

Hear the sirens call me home x4

Part of me
Has vied
To watch it burn
And the heart of me
Has tried
But look what it's become
Once, once
I knew how to look for you
Once, once
But that was before
Once, once
I would have laid down to died for you
Once, once
But not anymore.

Hear the sirens call me home x8